Off the wall

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I once thought that everyday was Wednesday. I was naïve; I was three. In myfresh, three year old mind it made sense. One day as I was enjoying SesameStreet, a question a rose in my head I wonder what day it is? This show's sogood; I never want to miss it. I asked my mother- the knower of all knowledge

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(isn't this what children thought of their mothers?) She replied "Wednesday".The next day as I was playing with 'guys', (a name I gave my fisher price littlepeople toys) I realized out of the corner of my eye that Sesame Street was on.The light bulb inside my head went on everyday must be Wednesday. A few monthspassed by, everyday was still Wednesday. It wasn't until my ballet classesstarted on Saturday that I became curious if Saturday is ballet day, then someof Wednesday must be in Saturday too because Sesame Street is on today. What'sthis? More than one day in a week? It took me a while to adjust to Saturdays,but after having an enlightening discussion with my mother, other days of theweek slowly bubbled and formed themselves at the top of my pot of possibilities.Everything seems possible when you're new to the world. My love and appreciation for Mother Nature sprouted at the age of three. We hada well-sized backyard for my sisters and I to play our adventures in and around.We took advantage of our open back yard; I took special advantage of myproximity to a toilet whenever nature called, I simply did as I had seen ourkitties do many times. I squatted my little tush, close to the ground under myfavourite pine tree and marked my territory. This seemed totally natural andnormal to me. I guess I truly was a nature girl right from the start. One sadday I learned the concept of social acceptability, as I made the foolish mistakeof leaving my mark in a neat little pile on the bottom step of our front porch.Our mailman was just approaching as my mother spotted my neat little gift anddid what she could in her power to intercept the mailman and avoid a nastyincident. My mother was somewhat successful, but I'm sure this episode stillhaunts our mailman and to this day he still steps carefully as he nears ourproperty. As luck would have it, we sometimes pass by each other on my route toschool. Oh the joys of being a mailman. The first time I tried to lie to my mother, she was more amused than she wasoutraged. I had been left alone in the kitchen while my mother was gardeningjust outside out back door. My stepfather was at work and my grandma had takenmy sisters Caitlin and Sarah out to the movies. I was three, and alone in thekitchen, supplied with bread, a knife and a jar of peanut butter, dangerousingredients for a curious girl. I thoroughly spread the peanut butter on myslices of bread. Just as I was about to close the jar up, again, that light inmy head started to flash. I began to spread the peanut butter over the counter,and then slowly I made my ways down the front of the counter. I even continuedonto the chair I was standing on. I was about to reach the floor when my mothercaught me red handed. Thoughtlessly, the first words that came out of her mouthcreated the form of a question "Cairis, who did this?" There I was standing inthe kitchen, knife in hand with peanut butter on my chubby cheeks, trying toformulate the best solution to this predicament. Does she think I didn't do it?Let's go with that then, but who, who did this? "Caitie…Sarah…you did it mommy!"She smiled at me, realizing she had brought that upon herself. We both laughedit off as I licked my fingers clean of mischief, but I let her clean up my mess.As a child, the memories with my biological father seemed only to exist in thesummer time. My dad reminds me of warm weather. Maybe he felt more motivated inthe summer to drive to Georgetown to pick us up, or maybe the summer just feltright to be with him. If he did make the attempt to fulfill his promise oftaking us for the weekend, most of the time he came on Saturday and was one totwo hours late. We were lucky if he even came at all. It was depressing beinghis child, but I don't think Caitlin and I realized this until we were older.The best feeling in the world was watching my dad's maroon coloured mini-vanpull up in front of 14 Draper St. We would rush our excited bodies down thestairs yelling "Daaaaad", our smiles never failed. He'd wrap us in his arms andkiss us on our cheeks, as we inhaled the smell of his Craven A cigarettes. Thesmell seemed appealing to us, it was of a time when cigarettes meant nothingmore to us than the scent of our father. When we did spend a night with our dad,he was the best to us. He would allow Caitlin and I to walk to 'the store', allby ourselves, to purchase as much candy that our sweet tooth's could chew andour pockets could carry; candy our mother would never let us have. Caitlin and Ifelt independent and even though we couldnt label this feeling at the time,looking back on it now we can both agree that this was our first experience withthe feeling of liberation. Just before bedtime our dad would give us hisover-sized t-shirts for us to sleep in. They too, had the smell of dad. Ourbedroom was the newly renovated attic my dad made for our weekend visits.(That's what he told us, but I have this feeling it was for our sister Rheannaconsidering she moved all of her belongings up to it) He was always one to beworking on projects around the house. The attic's walls and ceiling were madeespecially for us to write on. We would write notes back and forth, stories, orthe names of the boys we had crushes on. Although the attic was a special placefor us, Caitlin and I have sometimes thought that the size of the atticrepresented the amount of space that our dad had for us in his life. The mosttraumatic episode we ever encountered with our dad used to constantly play backover and over in my head. Caitlin and I had made plans with our dad for aweekend visit, my mother thought differently. Before she had reached the door,Caitie and I had already let him in. She simply said, "you don't give us childsupport, you don't see your children". They argued back and forth until itbecame physical and some how our father had ended up behind our locked door. Myfather tried to force himself in and he eventually broke open the door. To thisday that piece remains absent. Our distressed mother called the police and whenthe tall man in an army suit arrived, our older sister Sarah took us upstairs toremove us from this upsetting situation. We could hear our father crying,pleading for my mother to let us go with him. The sounds of his saddened heartonly made our cries louder. Things were finally worked out and Sarah endedcoming back to his house in Toronto with us. That was the most intense episode Iever witnessed, but believe me, there were some that were almost as extreme.My father, although he certainly attempted fatherhood, was not successful.Caitlin and I truly have been scarred by his negligence. He was young when hehad us, and I feel that he had his priorities backwards when we were children,but in my experience, age does not necessarily define ones maturity. In thecase of my father, his rugged beard, and wrinkled skin was misleading. As I seeit now, he was just as much a child as Caitlin and I were.Before I continue, I must make it clear that I have two families, my mother'sside and my father's side. I am currently living and have been with my motherSusan, my stepfather Chris and seven siblings for almost 1 years. I have twoolder sisters; Sarah and Caitlin and also three younger sisters; Phaidra, Lillyand Estelle, and to his luck, a younger brother named Rowan. All of thesesiblings are from my mother and the three fathers she had us with. Caitlin is myonly full sister and younger siblings, along with Sarah are my half siblings. Itseems wrong to say this because a name should not be one to label the type ofrelationship we all share with each other. These are my own flesh and bloodsthat have been in my life for 1 years. Whether or not we have differentfathers, we are all family and this is truly all that matters. This is my familyI grew up with.My father's side has always been distant. That's not to say that I love or carefor them any different, but our relationship has consisted of weeks and sometimes almost a year without even speaking. They're still my family; they'veunfortunately been limited to visits and phone calls due to the lack of effortfrom our father. I'm not pointing any fingers at the cause of this misfortune;Rheanna, Olivia, Gabriel and now Elliot are just as precious as the family Ilive with now. After my father had Caitlin and I, a few years down the road hemarried Connie, his first wife and had Rheanna and Olivia with her. My sisterslived with our father, and I secretly resented them for that. I don't rememberseeing many pictures of Caitlin and I around the house. I used to hate lookingat the fridge at my dad's house because it was covered with drawings and lettersthat Rheanna and Olivia had given to our dad. There were always new pictures ofthem on the fridge, and a story to go along with them. These frustrationsthough, were never at the top of my head, I was so young that I didn't know howto care or express my feelings of bitterness. Being their older sister was sucha climax in my weekend visits with them. I felt so honoured that they wanted tobe with me every breathing moment I was there. I would eat, play and haveslumber parties with them. I was new at being a big sister, but they knew how torecognize me as their sister. I was on a high every time I was at their house.When my father moved to Nova Scotia for a movie he was shooting, brought alonghis partner Shelly of three years who was pregnant with his first boy, soon tobe named Gabriel. After visiting his house there, my mind began to open up tothe possibility of moving. After Gabriel was born, I did just that. I moved toWindsor, Nova Scotia for the second semester of my grade nine year. It was anovernight decision that was driven by the fight I had had with my mother (who Ithought was evil at that time). It was a life-changing excursion that I had beenable to pursue for the first time. I lived with my father Ian, Shelly and my newbrother Gabriel. I loved being able to see my dad every day, not to mention livewith our family. I spent hours with Gabriel on a daily basis. I wanted him toget to know me, Cairis, as his older sister. I wanted him to breathe me in, toget use to me being with him every day. I was given the responsibility of takingcare of him on days Shelly was busy, or when both she and my dad went out forthe night.In the middle of July, a week before I was going to move back to Ontario, mysisters left for their two-week vacation at summer camp. They had recently movedinto our house in Windsor, so I was able to live with them as sisters for ashort period of time. Our five-hour road trip to their camp was exactly that,five hours. No one really spoke and I started to regret even coming. They didn'tseem to appreciate my company, but then again, I'm sure they didn't realize thatwould have been the last time they could see me before I moved. When we finallyarrived at their camp. I had been nicotine less for five hours but was excitedto be with them for their first time there, but they were so caught up in theexcitement that before I had even spoken a word to them, Rheanna and Oliviahopped out of the 'woody' and took off; My dad behind them, carrying their bags.I assumed they were coming back to say goodbye, but when my dad returned alone,I felt empty. It was a lonely drive home and a slap in the face that even when Iattempt to better our relationship, it can't just be a one-way procedure. Nordoes it take a car ride to boost their interest in me. That was three years agothough, I have been back to visit several times since then. Our concern for theimprovement in the family's relationship has become aware to all of us. Althoughwe're not doing everything in our power to make it the best, we're working withwhat we are doing. I feel happier now. I feel like a big sister that's beinglooked up to again.It's hard to believe that my sister Caitlin and I used to hate each other. I'msure we're not the only pair of sisters that have overcome our immaturity;that's exactly what we did, matured. We both recognized that we had similarqualities and characteristics that brought balance and friendship. Soul sistershad sprouted from our vocabulary, so we brought it's meaning to life.The Christmas of 18 was the first official holiday Caitlin and I had spentwith our father; every year before this one Christmas was spent at my mother'shouse; no exceptions. It was the years of empty memories and unspent Christmas'sthat provided Caitie and I with the opportunity to share Christmas with ourfather. We had a difficult time getting down to the city, but in the end, ourhectic travel was well worth our outcome. Caitlin and I were so used to ourtraditional Christmas at our mother's that we didn't know what to expect fromthis. Making my father smile and watching him inhale his four daughters in thesame room, for such a meaningful event, made me realize that I had neverconsumed such a warm feeling. Caitlin and I had brought such joy to our fatherwith our physical being. He made us feel beautiful. My dad and Shelly left onBoxing Day for a Christmas party, which left Caitlin and I alone at their housefor a few hours until our parents came to pick us up. We bustled around with ourgifts and spent most of our time listening to the new 'Mase' cd Caitlin hadgiven me. We had picked out our favourite song and continuously listened to it,laughing about it the whole time. The verses "if you had twenty-four hours tolive just think where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw? Andwho would you want to notify? Or would your ass deny that your ass about todie?" was the highlight of our night. We would each take turns imitating Mase,until one of us fell to the floor laughing. Eventually time crept up on us, sowe decided to go outside to enjoy our last cigarette together until our parentscame to the house to pick us up. Unfortunately Caitlin and I were so caught upin our music that we forgot to unlock the door before leaving the house. Whenthe door shut behind us, we were shut out from our bags, gifts and a warmfireplace. Instead we were outside alone in the cold with only one thing keepingour spirits high. Mase. We sat on the front porch smoking our voices away andpatiently awaiting the arrival of our tardy parents in the dead of the coldnight. Caitlin and I seem to behold the power to create humour out of anysituation. Sometimes when humour seems to be the only way you can escape from anemotional roller coaster.On the day of Kevin's funeral, there were no words to express how any of usfelt. Maybe it was more to the fact that none of us really knew what to say.Caitlin and I had some how managed to escape from the disheartening faces andquiet conversations to have a moment with ourselves. We shared shortconversations to reminisce and reflect upon the loss of Kevin, a wonderfulfriend and big brother to us. We spoke of the viewing the day before and agreedthat Kevin's brother Tommy had similar facial features that reminded us of Kevin(and later that day we would soon come to realize that he was very attractive).We were trying to imagine ourselves in the places of Kevin's siblings, Cindy andTommy, standing in the reception line greeting friends and family of theirs. Icouldn't visualize myself trying to display my thanks and appreciation for suchan unfortunate occurrence. To lighten our moment up, Caitlin and I lit upcigarettes and started small talk. Unnoticeably, our family slowly crept theirway over to us, disrupting what was a time for us to fall back on each other(and smoke with out the feeling of guilt). It was my mother, my sisters Phaidraand Estelle with our little brother Rowan. I was so irritated that I quicklysnapped and spoke with a serious, persuasive voice "Phaidra, could you pleasetake buck-teeth and mullet back to the car?" Suddenly, a burst of laughter arose from the hearts of us, the saddened, and even tears of satisfaction formedin our eyes. Estelle and Rowan didn't appreciate their swiftly producednicknames, but I could tell that the rest of us enjoyed the refreshing giggle.What I know was malicious at the time, only seemed to help us create and enjoy amoment of laughter, a time to take a break from our cold day. I understood thatit was a cruel thing to speak; considering we were at a funeral but it seemed totake the steal thoughts of death from our heads (and a stirred a good laugh inour stomachs).I've tried to imagine myself living without my ten siblings, but the pictureisn't that clear. When I try to explain to those who ask about my family Ireceive gasps of "oh my, it must be insane living with such a big family" buttruth is that the process is natural and never really feels insane at all. It'sall I know. Our family is a growing tree. Suffice to say that the family unitgrows and adjusts as an organic composite of lives. We all help each other togrow. The babies are looked after by the mother; the toddlers are cared for bytheir elder siblings and thus the growing continues. Especially in times ofgrief, your family are the ones you need to have with you. Their physical touch,or the sound of their voices can almost always be the cure during times ofdistress. Being one of the daughters that was entitled to being a role model, ora shoulder to cry on, I felt at some times I was not the best of help but morelike I was abusing my role as a big sister. Sometimes I am a voiceless inserious or sensitive conversations. I have yet to start project 'talk-a-lot',but if you're looking for a person to escape with, I am always free for a laugh.Although it was a responsibility of watching over the young ones, assisting inthe nurturing of my siblings, I would feel privileged that my parents trusted meenough to take on parent-like responsibilities.One of the wonderful results of growing up in a large family is the constantdesire to grow. As a child you are ever trying to grow your vocabulary tocommunicate with your siblings, and then crawl faster, toddle further,understand games better all in order to participate on the level of your oldersiblings. This effect advances the learning process to such an outcome that itis very apparent in the academic and hypothetical abilities of many of thechildren in bigger families (not just my own) Even the older siblings arelearning an incredible life skill in learning to nurture and care for youngerchildren.The first time I became physical with my mother, I was fifteen years old. I waswhat society labelled as a disturbed teenager, who thought they were damned bytheir parents. In his case, I can agree on feeling distressed but I have neverfelt like my parents were out to get me. We were simply and still are differenthuman beings with different opinions about the process of a teenager growing upin a world of questions and concerns that could seriously change the path ofdevelopment. My issues came varying from the mental abuse I had suffered fromboth my mother and father or the loss of my godmother, to my hectic livingenvironment with my family. In this case, I was a fifteen year old that had thedesire to drink a six of Blue beer in the parking lot at the bottom of mystreet. It was foolish of me to think for one moment that my mother wouldn'tfind out about this particular event. While I was outside having a cigarette onmy front curb, my mother had decided to transform herself into an investigator(one of her many talents). She had found my supply of beer and coolers in myroom, and removed them without my consent. Not that I had a very strong reasonfor me to have alcoholic beverages in my room, but I was an inexperiencedteenager trying the lenience my mother out for the first time. I think this wasthe first time that feeling of hatred and power collided inside of my troubledmind. I couldn't seem to find an alternative solution in fighting for theretrieval of my alcohol. I tried to do everything in my physical power and Itruly believe that if it wasn't for a friend who rescued me from such an awfulevent that I might have done some serious damage to my mother. In a heated moment of fury, anger and pain the thought or effects of youroutcome don't seem to faze you. It's like their mentally blocked because thereis a wall of thoughts, which contain intense moments of conflicts gathered fromall throughout your life; standing there, just fighting off all the positivethoughts that try to break past your wall of negativity. In my case, all ofthese feelings were of my mother and our unresolved issues that we hadencountered during the span of my life as her daughter. It's very challengingtrying to articulate how my feelings of love and hate for this woman, my mother,actually feel inside my body. There is a constant war-taking place within myself; I seem to be trying to fight off the influence of my mother. She, likeeveryone else, has both damaging and constructive characteristics. Some of theseI have all ready found within me, and others I can feel forming. Maybe in theprocess of others coming across this discovery, there are hopeful results, butin my situation I feel like an innocent animal that has been crept up on by itspray. My biggest fear has some how managed to find it's way inside of me; and away out may be questionable. Once it's in there, it can start affecting allparts of your existence with in days. I think the worst part about having yourmother grow inside of you, is having others recognize she's in there too. It'sno longer a secret; I've started to become like my mother. During the years of my childhood, I don't think my mother had much control overme, especially not of my eating habits. As a child, you would almost always findme with my hands and mouth occupied with a delicious treat I had found myself. Iused to find pleasure in licking butter off my fingers, until some one caughtme, pinched my cheeks and said "oh Cairis, you're so cute". No one seemed tofind my eating habits a problem. Was this because I was only a child, and maybemy family thought that it wouldn't affect me later on in life? Or was it becausemy family was too indolent to try and stop me from my bizarre eating behaviour.Whatever the case, I now find myself, an almost nineteen-year-old swallowingapple cider vinegar pills with every meal, concerned about my body image. I havethe genes of my mother large hips, large breasts and dancer legs. I am startingto doubt that your metabolism can ever change. I lie in bed some mornings recuperating from my sleep; I think about what I atethe night before and fuss about it my covers with disappointment. Then I'llthink about the breakfasts to come, and I look forward to food again (I usuallydo). The immoderation of my food intake as a child has severely influenced thelack of control I now have as a young adult. Although I have been known to eathealthy, some times my sweet tooth gets the best of me and allows me to indulgein desserts without the feeling of guilt, although it always seems to find me inthe morning. Most mornings I remove myself from my bed, a struggle most of thetime, but I get out. I'll stand in front of my mirror, naked, and run my handsover my body, feeling the curves and contour of my body. I take deep breaths,inhaling who I am, as beautiful woman uncovering the many appealing features ofmy body. Even though I know I am beautiful, I can still see my mother in me andher silhouette is still a growing part. I can't help but notice all of the stuff I have while sitting on my bed, stonedfrom my afternoon dubee. I have so many belongings; shelves stocked withbottles, sprays, creams and a cactus. I have drawers full of art supplies, hairdye, hats and mittens. My room is over flowing with years of pictures, recycledpaper and hand-me-down clothes. Only one person comes to mind when I sit inastonishment. I am picking up my mothers fault of not being able to let thingsgo. I am a saver, a keeper for life and I can't help but hold my motherresponsible for this. Our house is filled wall to wall with baskets of clothes,washed, waiting the day they make their way to their owner, shelves of booksabout art history and architecture. Boxes of movies, some even still unseen. Ourhouse is the result of an un-prioritized list of business to be finished. I havea lifetime supply of items just waiting for their departure from my room, butsadly to say, I don't think I will ever part with any of these things. I don'tknow what it'd be like, letting a piece of me go, and to be quite honest I amafraid. If there's anyone who likes to sleep, it's my family. Even my cats have asleeping problem; we're both a bad influence on each other. I can't help butnotice that all of us have an obstacle in the way of our waking routine. I musttouch on the fact that my mother had been known to stay awake until the weehours of the morning and then have an afternoon awakening. This method she livesby started when my sisters and I were of younger ages and were unaware thatone-day, we too, would be women of the night. When I was a child walking homefor lunch it would be a disappointment to find our mother still in bed, and ourstomachs lunch less. We would then try to find an easy-make lunch of some kindto stop the noises from our tummies. At times our mother would awake to findthat we had made ourselves lunch, sometimes making her incensed that we had usedour stove, but as we saw it we were displaying our level of independence at ayoung age. Our only concern was eating a lunch and returning to school on time;something I still have trouble doing now. My relationship with my mother has definitely had a turning point. I havealways thought that being honest is the best quality you could find in arelationship, and so with my mother and I, this is what I share with her. I knowshe appreciates my openness, and I too appreciate her spirit of patience withme. She and I now have an understanding relationship. I think she treats me likean adult that hopefully in return we continue sharing the need of respect foreach other. My mother has recently started to display some qualities of mine,and I am starting to rethink who is growing inside of whom.

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Antonio's Dreams--Bless Me, Ultima

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Dreams reflect Antonio's journey of maturity and the milestones he encounters. In Rudolfo Anaya's Bless Me, Ultima, the protagonist, Antonio, is a little boy growing up, and, at times, is learning what it means to be 'grown up'. As the summer with Ultima, a curandera, unfolds, Antonio must make the trek of life and learn about himself and his future, in his own way. With the guidance of Ultima, Antonio can make good decisions from which he can learn, but in the end, the gumption to make and act on decisions comes from himself. When Ultima is not there for Antonio, his dreams are a reflection of the decision-making process and the end results thereof. The most immediate milestone for Antonio is that of his future. To Antonio, his future lies in either his mother's or his father's wishes. Most believe that he will follow his mother's wishes for Antonio to become a priest. However, Antonio's father will not give up on him, and believes that he has the wild Marez blood in him. Poor Antonio is living in a paradox, as his parents could not be more different people. In Antonio's first dream, he witnesses the birth of a baby [himself]. The families there are his mother's and father's, and this dream epitomizes the struggle between the families. His mother, Maria Marez, whose maiden name is Luna, believes in the stability of farming, of staying in one place, and in having a quiet nature, the Luna characteristics. When her family comes to see the baby [Antonio], '[t]hey entered ceremoniously. A patient hope stirred in their dark, brooding eyes." (5) They are people of the earth, rooted to one place. Antonio's father, Gabriel Marez, is a man of the llano (open range) and a vaquero (cowboy), who can hardly bear to stay in one place and in his case, only dreams of moving westward, and beyond borders. When his family comes to see the baby, "…the silence was shattered with the thunder of hoofbeats; vaqueros surrounded the small house with shouts and gunshots, and when they entered the room they were laughing and singing and drinking." (5)

Then a fight ensues over the afterbirth, as its fate determines the fate of the baby. The Lunas want it to be buried in the earth, while as the Marezes' want to cremate it and spread it across the llano. The fight escalates, until finally the woman who delivered the child [Ultima] ceases the fight and declares that only she will know the destiny of the child. In the years to come, Antonio feels that he must obey his parents, and loves them so, thus, he must suffer through deciding upon his future with two yearning parents. As the story continues, Antonio is pulled from side to side, in trying to find out his destiny. When Ultima comes, she helps him to find peace in this struggle and for himself, Antonio finds it in his dream He recognizes his mother who says that he is saved because he was baptized in the 'water of the moon', but Antonio's father interrupts her to say that it is not true, but rather, Antonio had been baptized in the 'salt water of the sea'. In his dream, Antonio cries out for someone to reveal the blood-water that runs in his veins. The waters rage with his agony. Then Ultima calls the waters to be calm and explains that the water in the sea came from the moon, and in turn, the water from the moon came from the sea, in a cycle. (10-11) In the end, Antonio discovers that he can peacefully exist as both a Marez and a Luna, coexisting as one in himself. With Ultima's guidance and the dream he had, Antonio had resolved a milestone for himself.The second most prominent conflict is Antonio's loss of innocence. This is a major transition for Antonio, as it is an important step in maturity for everyone, everywhere. In this dream, he follows his brothers to Rosie's house. There inside, he recognizes a forbidden sin, and refuses to enter, as he is to become a priest. His brothers assure him, however, that he will find himself at Rosie's, with her girls, as that is the way of men. Then Eugene and Leon enter, but Antonio begs his brother Andrew not to enter. Andrew agrees not to enter Rosie's house until Antonio has lost his innocence. Antonio insists that his innocence will stay with him forever. Then he hears his mother cry that he already has begun to lose his innocence. The priest says that Antonio will be innocent until he understands and that he will understand when he takes the communion. Distraught, Antonio asks "…where is the innocence [he] must never lose…" (71). Ultima points out west where he was born and says that there his innocence lies. "But that was long ago, [he] called. [He] sought more answers, but she was gone, evaporated into a loud noise." (71) (70-71) Antonio's loss of innocence creates another dilemma as Antonio feels that his mother will be very disappointed, and, as he wants to please his mother, he feels badly for his quest of maturity. Antonio questions how he will keep his innocence as he grows up, or even if he will be able to. This transition, for Antonio, is just the start of the pinnacle of his worst milestone yet understanding the faith he had been taught and why it continues to fail. Through his religious faith, Antonio learns of his natural progression of maturity. He comes to understand the feeling of injustice from the murder of Narciso and the death of Tenorio. In his dream, he pleads that God wreak vengeance on Tenorio and forgive Narciso, but God merely laughs at him, saying that there cannot be a forgiving God and a discriminatory one. Then he learns the difference between a chauvinist God and a maternal, sympathetic Virgin Mary. In his dream, the Virgin Mary comes to Antonio in his moment of agony to offer to forgive everyone, in order to resolve his dilemma, but Antonio refuses it, as doing so does not punish Tenorio. When Antonio's brothers sin, once again he is put on the spot as to whether he will fulfill his mother's wishes that he become a priest. He cries out that he cannot, and then his faith begins to crumble before him. In the end of Antonio's dream, the Golden Carp swallowed the world and everyone lived inside him as he swam along. (17-6) With this dream, Antonio then comes to understand how to live with pagan ideology and Catholicism, and is at peace with his newfound discovery. In his last dream of this story, Antonio confronts his doubts about religion once again as he dreams that everything Catholicism has taught him is deteriorating, and the Golden Carp has been speared. When Antonio asks what is left, an omnipotent being replies that there in no heaven nor hell. Then Antonio turns for Ultima's guidance and finds that Tenorio has killed her "night-spirit" (44), and thus Ultima. This is a foreshadowing of what is to come. At one point Antonio cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me!" (44), just as Jesus Christ had, his last words before he died. (4-4) From this dream, Antonio has learned that he can go on, maturing, without Ultima's help, and that the journey must continue. Antonio's summer of dreams with Ultima has ended and with it, he has learned much about himself. The dreams in Bless Me, Ultima are analogous to what is occurring to Antonio as he grows up so much in a short time. With Ultima's guidance and his own discoveries and thoughts, Antonio grows up to learn about growing up, and ultimately, about becoming his own person. He has learned to live with his mother's and father's wishes jointly, as one, and with his own outlook. For Antonio, his dreams, rather than being actual milestones or goals to be reached in his life, are reflections of the milestones, and essentially, the journey upon which he had embarked to learn about being himself.

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Mother Courage & Marxism

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"The aim of Marxism is to bring about a classless society, based on the common ownership of the means of production, distribution, and exchange" (Barry 156). According to Marxism, progress comes about through the "struggle of power between different social classes" (Barry 157). Class struggle is fueled by the competition for economic, social, and political advantage. The exploitation of one social class by another is seen in modern industrial capitalism. The result of this exploitation is alienation, leaving workers and the products of their work with only a monetary value, known as reification. Alienation is the primary innovation of Brecht's epic theater. Through epic drama, Brecht shows this alienation between the characters and the audience. Brecht uses specific techniques in order to accomplish this. By using his episodic style, "a disconnected open-ended montage of scenes," physical space, and "significant properties," such as gesture, he forces the audience to see what is actually taking place (Brecht 75-76). The alienation effect is a derivation of defamiliarisation, where familiar actions are distorted through interruption, lengthening, or deceleration (essay bank). In Mother Courage and Her Children, Brecht examines the social injustices of war, the idea of capitalization through war, and how war affects individuals by changing their moral ethics and virtues. War is a business, which makes human virtues fatal to those who possess them. Mother Courage and Her Children takes place during the Thirty Years War (1618-1648) in Sweden. Anna Fierling, known as Mother Courage, struggles to make a living selling goods to soldiers, while at the same time keeping her children safe and out of the war SERGEANT Peaceable I don't think; look at your knife. You should be ashamed of yourself; put that knife away, you old harridan. A minute back you were admitting you

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live off the war, how else should you live, what from? But how's anyone to have war without soldiers? MOTHER COURAGE No need it to be my kids. (Brecht 7)Her children are important to her however, Mother Courage faces an internal conflict of what she is willing and not willing to give up in order to survive. Although Mother Courage disagrees with the war, she is a businesswoman at heart and develops a co-dependency with the war. She is egocentric and selfish subscribing to capitalist principles, but is blind to their consequences. As the war rages on, Mother Courage realizes her business is jeopardizing the safety of her children and herself, but is unwilling to give up her wagon of goods. She pays the ultimate price for keeping her business, by sacrificing the lives of her children. "War is a continuation of business making human virtues fatal to their possessors" (Brecht 76)."War and business create an all-embracing market in which everything is commodified" (Brecht 76). Mother Courage, showing a lack in moral judgment, pulls her wagon through war torn Europe to sell her wares as people are being killed. An army recruiting officer and sergeant see Mother Courage with her children as they roll into camp. Immediately, forming opinions on which class of people they belong to. Using degrading and dehumanizing remarks, the recruiting officer and sergeant refer to the women as "tarts," Mother Courage as a "harridan," and her sons as "trash" (Brecht 77-7). Holding her head high, Mother Courage presents herself as "Mother Courage with her wagon," implying that her reputation precedes her. The sergeant's response surprises her SERGEANT Never heard of her. What's she called Courage for? MOTHER COURAGE Courage is the name they gave me because I was scared of going broke…(Brecht 78)This statement is prophetic, as it is her fear that determines her actions throughout the play, leading her to a tragic "pyrrhic victory" (Tolley). Mother Courage displays her fears in a contradictory manner. While tearing a sheet of parchment paper she says, "Eilif, Swiss Cheese and Kattrin, may all of us be torn apart like this if we let ourselves get too mixed up in the war" (Brecht 7). Mother Courage is scared and does not want her children involved in the war. The actual tearing of the parchment represents the family being on borrowed time and the fate of the children, as each one is torn away from their mother. A few moments later, Mother Courage states, "Come along, let's move on now. Tain't every day we have a war, I got to get stirring" (Brecht 7). Even though Mother Courage is afraid, she still relies on the war to survive. War is her deadly partner. Mother Courage appears torn between making money and doing what is best for her children. Her predictions of doom for her family in scene one, foreshadows the entire play. Mother Courage pretends she is a fortuneteller and predicts the death of the sergeant, but is actually predicting the deaths of her own children and the manner of which they die. As Mother Courage prepares to leave camp, the recruiting officer sarcastically says, "Might as well look at that belt buckle, sergeant. After all, our friends here have to live by their business," implying that Mother Courage lives off of the army, an image of vermin (Brecht 70). Mother Courage cannot resist a sale and begins haggling, unaware that the recruiting officer has taken Eilif. When she realizes that Eilif is gone, her response to Kattrin is less than motherly, "You'll have to help your brother pull now," showing more concern for her wagon than for Eilif's safety (Brecht 70). She is done haggling and leaves camp without Eilif. Two years go by and Mother Courage has not seen her son Eilif. She crosses Poland with the Finnish armies, and begins arguing with the general's cook about buying a capon for the soldiers THE COOK There's plenty. They're sitting on it. MOTHER COURAGE (Triumphantly.) They ain't. They're bust, that's what they are. Just about starving. I saw some, were grubbing up roots from sheer hunger, licking their fingers after they boiled some old leather strap. That's way it is. And me got a capon here supposed to take forty hellers for it. (Brecht 70) Mother Courage insists her capon is the better choice over the rat and beef the cook wanted to use. Brecht strongly emphasizes food imagery here. The concept of food represents one of the necessities of life that drive men to act immorally. Mother Courage offers to sell a capon to the cook, who does not want to pay her price. She replies, "a rat you might get; 'might' I say because they're all being gobbled up, five men spending best part of a day chasing one hungry rat" (Brecht 70). Contrasting the capon and the rat implies the army eats its own scavengers, which is the opposite of what normally happens. Vermin are scavengers fighting for resources, and the war serves as both a fighting and a feeding ground. While haggling with the cook, Mother Courage hears a familiar voice. It is her son Eilif being congratulated by the general for his heroism. Using his business know-how, Eilif has confused the peasants over selling their oxen, catching them off-guard. Grabbing his sword, Eilif began "hacking 'em to pieces" (Brecht 71). Eilif asks the Chaplain for his thoughts on the matter. According to the Chaplain, the Bible does not provide examples of killing for food, because God always provided it, therefore God is not fighting for the army (Brecht 71). This is juxtaposed with the general's statement that God is on the army's side, implying that God allows the killing of peasants to feed the army. This obviously shows a corrupted view of Christian morality. Eilif then sings "The Song of the Girl and the Soldier" for the general, which tells the story of a soldier who dies for ignoring the advice of a wise woman (Brecht 717). This story runs parallel to Eilif's life. Ignoring Mother Courage's advice, he continues killing peasants even in peacetime, and eventually dies for it. Three years later, we find Mother Courage, her children, and the Chaplain as prisoners, with Mother Courage pretending to be Catholic to protect them from the enemy THE CHAPLAIN But my faith makes it particularly dangerous for me. MOTHER COURAGE (Gets him a cloak.) Goes against my conscience, this does. Now you run along. (Brecht 74)Mother Courage does care for the people around her, however her concern for survival is greater, as she struggles with giving away merchandise without being paid. With the enemy arriving, Mother Courage is frantic to find Kattrin in a "strumpet's hat" and wearing the red boots (Brecht 74). Kattrin is fascinated with Yvette's red boots, and refuses to part with them. The red boots are affiliated with prostitution, but to Kattrin they symbolize beauty, luxury, and femininity. Mother Courage tells Kattrin to give the boots back to Yvette. Mother Courage worries the soldiers will rape Kattrin, so she covers her face with ashes to conceal her (Brecht 7475). At the same time, Swiss Cheese is entrusted with the "regimental cash box," which Mother Courage tells him to get rid of for their safety (Brecht 75). Swiss Cheese knows it is his responsibility, and hides it in the wagon instead. Mother Courage being afraid, uses cutting remarks towards her son, "If it weren't for you Swiss Cheese, things'd be easier, I brought you up to be honest, you not being clever, but you got to know where to stop" (Brecht 75). Again, we see an imagery of vermin as Mother Courage says, "We're prisoners, but same like fleas on dog," indicating she would rather take care of a bag of fleas, than deal with her own children (Brecht 75). Her children are careless, and Mother Courage is afraid they will reveal their identity to the enemy. In doing so, she is debasing their humanity and their status as individuals. Mother Courage leaves Swiss Cheese in charge, as she and the Chaplain go to buy a Catholic flag and some meat. They warn Swiss Cheese to leave the cash box alone and to watch for spies. Swiss Cheese wants to hide the cash box by the river, until it is safe to retrieve it. Kattrin, unable to speak, tries to warn Swiss Cheese of the danger as he leaves with the cash box. The spies arrest Swiss Cheese and bring him back to the wagon, where Mother Courage denies knowing him. They insist he cooperate, by telling them where the cash box is hidden, or he's "a goner" (Brecht 76). Refusing to divulge the information, he lies for the first time, and denies knowing anything about it. Mother Courage uses Yvette to haggle over sparing her son's life. By the time Mother Courage agrees to pay their price and to sell her wagon, it is too late. Mother Courage negotiates too long, and as a result Swiss Cheese dies. Yvette is disgusted and says to Mother Courage, "Well, you got what you asked for, with your haggling and trying to keep your cart. Eleven bullets they gave him, that's all" (Brecht 78). The soldiers bring Swiss Cheese's body to Mother Courage to see her reaction. When she sees her son's body, she denies knowing him in order to protect Kattrin, the Chaplain, and herself. Swiss Cheese was known to be virtuous and honest, however, the first time he does not tell the truth, he is killed for it. An interesting comparison is made between Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ. The Chaplain sings the "Song of the Hours," the trial and death of Christ, which is similar to what Swiss Cheese is going through. Mother Courage denies knowing her son three times, as Peter did to Jesus, and they were both put to death. Frustrated, Mother Courage sings the "Song of the Grand Capitulation," a song about a young girl with high hopes, a broken spirit, and being ruled by others (Brecht 7). The song indicates that Mother Courage hates her own life and what it has become. Years of wartime suffering have frozen them into fixed forms of begging, informing, and lamentation. When she was younger, Mother Courage didn't take orders from anyone, but after a short time she gave in to the pressures of society. She capitulated in order to survive, and is suffering as a result. In other words, either you capitulate or you die. It is now 161, the war is spreading to other areas, and there are many injuries. Mother Courage refuses to cut up her "officers' shirts" to use as bandages, because she knows that she will not be paid (Brecht 740). Mother Courage is so attached to her wagon and in protecting her interests, she is unfeeling towards the victims and their suffering. Kattrin, enraged by her mother's inhumanity tries to intervene. Hearing that a baby's life is in danger, Kattrin risks her own life to save the baby's. As Kattrin cares for the baby, her actions seem to be out of revenge towards her mother. Kattrin sees herself as the good mother and Mother Courage as the bad mother. There are great differences between their personalities. Mother Courage has hardened over the years, and is unmoved and uncaring towards others, whereas Kattrin is compassionate, representing a true hero. Mother Courage again shows us where her priorities lie, at the Commander-in-Chief's funeral MOTHER COURAGE You don't think war might end, then? THE CHAPLAIN What, because the commander in chief's gone? Don't be childish. They're two a penny, no shortage of heroes. MOTHER COURAGE Ee, I'm not asking for fun of it, but because I'm thinking whether to stock up, prices are low now, but if war's going to end it's money down the drain. (Brecht 741)Her concern lies more with her business than with the war ending. Mother Courage is interrupted from her conversation with the Chaplain, as Kattrin enters out of breath. She was assaulted, and has a wound above her eye MOTHER COURAGE …Worse than wild beasts they are. (She ties up the wound.) THE CHAPLAIN It's not them I blame. They never went raping back home. The fault lies with those that start the wars, it brings humanity's lowest instincts to the surface. (Brecht 74)This statement is so true; war and conflict bring out our animal instincts of survival. Kattrin has been a tragic victim of the war. As a child, she lost her voice when a "soldier stuck something in her mouth" (Brecht 74). Now she is disfigured from defending her mother's merchandise, and blames her mother for her disfigurement. Mother Courage curses the war for scarring her daughter, however in a contradictory manner, she inventories the very items that cause Kattrin's scarring. At the peak of her business, Mother Courage says, "I won't have you folk spoiling my war for me. I'm told it kills off the weak, but they're write-off in peacetime too. And war gives its people a better deal" (Brecht 74). Her business is all that matters to Mother Courage, and when she hears that the war is over, she becomes upset. Her business depends on the war's continuation. War is her breadwinner and provides for all basic human needs. The Chaplain, who has been ineffectual and cynical thus far is outraged at Mother Courage's behavior, and puts her in her place THE CHAPLAIN You should not blaspheme against peace, Courage. You are a hyaena of the battlefield. MOTHER COURAGE I'm what? THE CHAPLAIN But when I see you picking up peace betwixt your finger and your thumb like some dirty old snot-rag, then my humanity feels outraged; for then I see that you don't want peace but war, because you profit from it; in which case you shouldn't forget the ancient saying that whosoever sups with the devil needs a long spoon. (Brecht 745)This motif of vermin is evident as the Chaplain labels Mother Courage as a "hyaena of the battlefied" (Brecht 745). This depiction of Mother Courage equates her with ugly, scavenging animals, which live off of dead carcasses, invoking an imagery of filth. It also indicates that money, greed, and war are evil. Mother Courage is concerned with unloading her stuff before prices drop, so she heads to the market, just missing Eilif. Escorted by soldiers, Eilif arrives in handcuffs to say goodbye to his mother. He is being executed for committing murder during peacetime. Brecht creates an ironic juxtaposition regarding Eilif. Eilif dies for the same reason he was considered a hero during wartime. As Eilif is killed, Mother Courage is conducting business as usual. She returns unaware that her "favorite son" is dead, and is in a hurry to leave with her wagon, because the war is on again (Brecht 746). The winter of 164 is harsh and business is poor. Cook and Mother Courage discuss going to Utrect to run an inn. Cook tells Mother Courage the inn does not have room for Kattrin, and that her looks are a liability for business. Mother Courage considers the proposition, but refuses to leave Kattrin behind to survive on her own. Overhearing their conversation, Kattrin's spirit is damaged. Cook sings the "Song of the Great Souls of the Earth," in an attempt to hock virtue as merchandise, because they are hungry (Hansson). The contention is that man can survive without virtue, but not without food. Through this song, Brecht parallels the lives of Mother Courage to Solomon, Eilif to Caesar, Swiss Cheese to Socrates, and Kattrin to St. Martin. The song indicates that each person lives their lives to one of these virtues wisdom, bravery, honesty, and compassion, and that their virtues fail them. Mother Courage risks the lives of her children and loses; a final defeat. Cook makes a direct reference to Eilif in this scene. He essentially says, Eilif became a cutthroat to survive, which did not spare his life, so whether you are a cutthroat or a person of virtue, there is no chance of survival (Brecht 748). Mother Courage and Kattrin travel over the "highroads of central Germany," harnessed to their wagon like workhorses (Brecht 748). They pass a farm where they hear singing of endless prosperity, as Mother Courage envisions her life of endless toil. This shows the injustice of a class system. Mother Courage and Kattrin continue on their journey, where they come across a farmhouse and park their wagon (Brecht 748). An ensign and three soldiers come upon the farmhouse, and insist the young peasant show them the way into town. Their motive is to murder the townspeople and to take their oxen. The peasant, his wife, and Kattrin begin to pray for the townspeople and their safety. Kattrin slips away, and for the first time in the play, she becomes the dominant character. She performs a heroic deed by risking her life to save others. Climbing up to the stable's roof, she begins beating her drum, hoping the townspeople will hear it. Ignoring the threats on her life, Kattrin beats her drum even louder. Kattrin refuses to capitulate, and dies as a result. This act of self-sacrifice brings her to martyrdom. Kattrin represents the ideal person. The kind of person we should all strive to become, honorable and compassionate. The peasants assure Mother Courage that Kattrin will have a "proper burial" (Brecht 751). Mother Courage slowly counts out her coins to pay the peasants for her burial. She is quick to dispose of her daughter's corpse in order to "get back in business" (Brecht 751). As she pulls her wagon away from the farmhouse, she sees a regiment marching by and calls out to them, "Take me along!" (Brecht 751). Mother Courage presses on with her business. Her business serves as her material and psychological support. She does not let anything interfere with conducting her business, not even the deaths of her children. With Kattrin's death, Brecht shows that helping others does not always pay, and only people like Mother Courage are capable of surviving in the world as it is now. By despising Mother Courage we are brought to the realization that the world does need changing, and until it does change we cannot exist in the idealized world that Kattrin represents. Brecht makes ironic use of business dealings throughout the play. Mother Courage loses Eilif to the army, when trying to sell a belt. Eilif defeats the peasants pretending to negotiate with them. When each of her children dies, Mother Courage is haggling at the market. With hopes of living off of the army, Mother Courage loses both of her sons and her daughter, in essence the army lives off of her. One obvious lesson Mother Courage never learns is, by doing business with war, you will eventually lose everything. Another lesson to be learned is, by not doing business with war, you will die. In other words, you have to capitulate or you die. According to Marx, "the division of labor in modern industrial production has altered the relationship between mankind and the world" (Brecht 7). With modern industry, "workers sell their labor in order to produce commodities" (Brecht 7). Capitalist production conceals how these commodities are produced, giving them a "natural life of their own" (Brecht 7). As these commodities "come alive," the workers are "dehumanized, incorporated into the machinery of production" (Brecht 7). This exemplifies the change in Mother Courage. Giving in to society's terms, Mother Courage works hard to support her children on her own. Enduring hardships, confronting danger, and surviving in a man's world, she ignores her own pain for her children. Once she capitulated, she became intertwined with her business and the war, her actions were robotic and without emotion; she was possessed. Being financially dependent on the war and its continuation, her wagon is her means of survival. Her business practices exemplify this. She protects her interests shrewdly, inquiring into the fate of the war with only her profit in mind. These business practices emerge from the social conditions that determine the characters, thus committing her to war. This is evident from her reactions to the deaths of her children, showing little emotion. She ultimately finds herself alone with the one thing that she treasures, her ramshackle wagon with its tattered flag. The dehumanization of human personality and associated comparison to vermin, illustrates the effects of war on the population. Brecht's intention on writing Mother Courage was to communicate his beliefs and to make people aware of two major issues facing society, war and capitalism (Hansson). According to Brecht, "people deserve the wars they get if they subscribe to a political system which is unfair and favors a specific sector of society, namely capitalism" (Hansson). In other words, if the system is unjust in any way, war and conflict are inevitable. Brecht's primary goals in epic theater are to estrange the audience, to provoke thought about the play, avoid attachment to the characters, and not to meet their expectations. In this way, the audience is forced to confront the issues at hand and decipher the meanings behind what they are being shown. Brecht wants to draw attention to "a bad system, not bad people," making the audience realize that war is unfair, because "one person's hero is another person's villain" (essay bank). Brecht's primary focus is to illustrate the "trickle-down effect" war has on ordinary citizens trying to survive, keeping the war in the background (Clay). Brecht incorporates the Bible into his play, by showing how it fails society. An example of this is when the general stays to Eilif, "Hacked 'em to pieces, did you, so my gallant lads can get a proper bite to eat? What do the Scriptures say? 'Whatsoever thou doest for the least of my brethren, thou doest for me," implying that God condones killing people for food (Brecht 71). Brecht incorporates certain techniques to alienate his audiences in order to inspire "critical detachment" (Zysshe). For staging, he uses a "very bright white light" fixed evenly upon the set, eliminating the possibility of creating an atmosphere (Hansson). Scene changes are made "in full view of the audience" (Hansson). The wagon in Mother Courage and Her Children is the focal point of the play, and remains on stage the entire time. The actors do not become their characters; they simply show their character behavior. Gesture denies the audience the potential to empathize. This form of theatrical acting is unfamiliar territory for audiences, which induces critical analysis. The characters in Mother Courage and Her Children are self-contradictory, which is particularly alienating to an audience. It is difficult to relate or empathize with them. Mother Courage is the best example of being self-contradictory. The "jingle-like" sales pitches distracts the audience and draws attention away from the character, so they can focus on the real issues being presented (Hansson). Brecht also uses silence as part of his alienation program. Kattrin's muteness is the most obvious example of this. A less overt occasion using alienation is when Mother Courage hears the drums heralding Swiss Cheese's death. Brecht's epic theater does not place any "artificial constraints" on time and place (essay bank). In Mother Courage and Her Children, Brecht uses twelve isolated scenes that "connect in a pattern that defines the action," instead of enclosing characters in a fixed place and time (Zysshe). Each scene begins a different period of time moving on to different locations, thus forfeiting any dramatic climaxes. By using this form, we see that time passes, and that people change when their social conditions change. By using the aspects of character, song, structure, style, and staging, Brecht ensures that the audience remains detached, and their expectations are not met. War is neither a supernatural force nor a rupture in civilization, but one of civilization's preconditions and logical consequences. In other words, war is not a force of the elements, but the workings of men. At the end of the war, Mother Courage has lost most of her humanity and hates the war for ending. The question raised is how far is one willing to go in order to survive, and at what point should one stop living for nothing and be willing to die for something? "The play leaves us with a powerful reminder of how humanity is worn down by war and what is lost by those who survive it" (Vera).

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In the beginning of the novel, "A bridge To Wiseman's cove" we are introduced to an unassertive, unconfident and self-conscious boy who has no sense of identity. However going on further throughout the novel, we perceive through Carl's thoughts and actions that he is transforming from a self-doubting boy into a self-assured man. The three main factors in Carl's life that changes throughout the novel are his unconfident personality, how the whole town looked down upon him and those people whom once seemed so far and distant from him. In the beginning of the novel, Carl a fifteen-year-old boy, is a character who is doubtful, unassertive and experiences difficulty in expressing himself. Throughout the novel we are able to observe Carl's difficulty in expressing himself and accepting the way in which God made him, which is mainly due to his low-self esteem. Actions such as covering one's body to ensure self comfort, not being able to talk to the opposite sex and not being able to stand up for himself, surely demonstrates to us that Carl extremely lacks confidence. In spite of this, towards the end of the novel Carl undergoes a change in his personality. He becomes proud of himself even though his surname is "Matt", he is able to not only stand up for himself but also for his friends and he is able to do things which he would never thought of in the past. "The pizza Queen of Wattle Beach" In this chapter, Carl is able to stand up both of himself and for Maddie, which was an action that he was only able to dream about in the past. When Carl saw Nathan leading Maddie out of her farewell party, Carl hesitantly blocked their path "with his sheer size"pg174. "It was no different from standing on the barge, confident in what he knew" (pg) 174. This shows us that Carl was extremely confident and assertive, believing in what he was doing. He believed that Nathan was only interested in Maddie for her physical looks and not for the person that she is, the person who weeps over a guy who "doesn't give a stuff about her"pg6. This belief led him to stand up for Maddie's well being and for himself. If this situation occurred in the beginning of the book, Carl would probably sit there and not dare to do a thing. Apart from the change in Carl's personality, many aspects of his life also changed. The major change in his life includes his grandfather's adversary Skip accepting him, the Duncan's wish to have him living with them and people in general begin to accept him. If we compare Carl at the end of the novel to the beginning of his settlement in Wattle Beach it is very clear that nobody wanted to associate with him. Just seeing him around Wattle Beach brought much of the town residents into despair. An example of this could be found in chapter, " Skip Duncan". In this chapter Carl offers Skip a helping hand on the barge and even though Skip is unsure of the call, Carl's enthusiasm about the job changed Skip's decision. However, at the point when Carl held out his hand and said his name, "Carl Matt" Skip went absolutely ballistic about having a Matt working on his barge. This shows us that Skip did not want to have anything to do with Carl and surely didn't appreciate his presences. Conversely, towards the end of the book people begin to accept Carl and praise him for his efforts on the barge and saving his brother, which was something totally new to Carl. Things such as pats on the back, handshakes, parties and praises began to fill Carl's empty and lonely soul. An example of this could be found in the Chapter, "The Pizza Queen of Wattle Beach". In the beginning of this chapter, Carl is praised for his work on the barge by the men in the club. As he sat on the high stool, Bruce and Beryl chattered away ignoring him, but "he was not ignored by the rest of the bar" (pg 165). As he sat there, the men in the club started shouting out compliments towards Carl, "You did a great job on my Toyota the other day" one man said and another man even shouted him a beer. These events represented turning points in Carl's life. Apart from the fact that generally people are starting to appreciate Carl's presence, there is also a deeper and much more meaning full aspect of Carl's life which has changed. Skip, his grandfather's adversary begins to accept Carl. In the chapter, "In the kitchen" Joy reveals to Carl how much he means to Skip and the Duncan family. Joy compares Carl and Skip and says, " You're having a hard time, aren't you. You and Skip both. You're a pair." Joy then goes on further saying, " I don't suppose he's told you how important you are to us." At this point, Carl was looking very puzzled for he did not expect Skip to accept him yet alone "need" him. Then Joy states, " We need you, the barge has stopped losing money these last few weeks and it's all because of you…" this statement showed Carl that Skip really accepted him and gave him a warm sensation which "was too much to bear… tears formed at the rims of his eyes." For once in his life, someone significant in his life has finally accepted him for the person that he is, compared to the beginning of the book when people merely despised him for being a Matt.

The changes in Carl's personality and life were possibly due to two people. The people who literally flipped his world upside down were Joy Duncan and Justine. Joy was the first person who assisted him with his problems, accepted him for the person that he was and was willing to stick by him no matter what the situation was. Justine, Carl's first girlfriend gave him the satisfaction that he was not just a "Fat mongrel" (pg 75), for a female of his same age group actually cared and loved him for the person that he was. It gave him a sense the ability to be able to socialize and interact with the opposite sex, which was something that he could only dream about in the beginning of the book. An example where Joy, Comes to the rescue for Carl is in the chapter, "Joy". In this chapter, Carl unexpectedly finds the break that he was longing for, a job so that Harley and himself can live at Aunt Beryl's house. For without Carl bringing in an income Aunt Beryl would coldheartedly send them both to foster homes. However just as Carl's hopes of staying at Wattle beach were beginning to fall, Joy Duncan comes along and gives him hope of staying at Wattle beach. When Carl and Joy meet accidentally on the street, Carl introduces himself to Joy. Coincidently Joy had herd about Carl in the past, being the boy who helped bring Maddie home when she was sick on New years eve. As they talked Carl asks Joy if she knew of any jobs and luckily for Carl, Joy needed somebody to assist her in some building. Carl had found himself a temporary job. An example of where Justine showed Carl that she cared for him is in the chapter, " The Champagne Pool". In this chapter Justine express's to Carl that she cares for his well-being. Justine did this by applying sun-cream on his back for him, applying sun-cream might seem as a very normal thing to do, however when somebody else does it for you without asking it means that that individual cares for you in some way. These examples where the start of a life changing friendship for Joy simply brought out the best in Carl, making him confident about himself and helping him with his personal life. Justine assured him that he was able to interact with the opposite sex without having to be self-conscious of his size. In the end, it is clearly shown to us that Carl has changed in many aspects of his life. In the beginning of the novel, confidence, praise and friends were once strange and inexperienced factor's in Carl's life. However, these changes where merely possible due to two people. Without Joy and Justine bringing about these significant changes in Carl's life, he would still be the lonely, unwanted and scared little boy that we met in the beginning of the book. Joy Duncan and Justine helped Carl develop into a man with a sense of pride and dignity.

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HERO

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A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE INTERNETSegaller, Stephen NERDS .0.1 A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE INTERNETNew York TV Books, 18. First edition.Amazon.com

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Nerds .0.1 A Brief History of the Internet presents the development of theWeb as a product of colliding, dualistic forces the individuality of thepersonal computer and the universality of a global network. Along the way,other complementary opposites arise, such as the intersection of thecomputer lib hippie hacker and the IBM or Pentagon bureaucrat. Thebiographies of these visionaries, and the magnificent changes their ideasinduced, make Nerds .0.1 compelling reading.Nerds .0.1 is a unique computer-history book, in that it is really ahistory of networking. Author Stephen Segaller covers all the current heavyhitters of the technology industry in depth Novell, Com, and Cisco. Inparticular, the story of the creation of Cisco--and the ousting of theoriginal founders by the sponsoring venture capitalist--shows the high-levelstakes and intrigue this billionaire world holds. Segaller also chroniclesthe failures of companies who didnt realize what their programmers had madeavailable to them. IBM, Xerox, and, some would say, Microsoft are bigplayers in this part of Segallers tale.The author puts technological developments in a helpful context theinfamous 100-hour Silicon Valley workweek, the dog-year life span of anInternet start-up, and the managerial shufflings of a sponsoring venturecapitalist firm all make sense in the world he describes. --JenniferBuckendorffFrom Publishers WeeklyFrom the early days of ARPA, the federal department that enabled theInternet, to the Microsoft-Netscape wars of the present, computer networkinghas become a powerful, if not always recognized, force on our culture. Inthis dry and arcane, if comprehensive, history, Segaller (Invisible Armies)documents the evolution that has generated this revolution. Arranged like aTV documentary, with lead-in paragraphs followed by extended reminiscences(the author has produced an eponymous PBS documentary), Segallers bookcovers such developments as packet-switching in the 160s, which alloweddata to be broken down and reassembled; Ethernet in the 70s and Netware inthe 80s, both breakthrough networking technologies; and, of course, thecreation of the World Wide Web in the 10s. He leaves no circuit unexposed,paying attention not only to the tech-minded nerds but also to financiers.Segaller strews small diamonds throughout his history his description of apubescent Harvard student named Bill Gates breaking off a poker game todevelop a Basic interpreter is priceless. But more illuminating than anyfact are the books two implicit themes that without more than a fewfortuitous turns, the Internet as we know it may not have come to be; andthat most major discoveries were made years, if not decades, before thepublic came to appreciate them. Whether you call the pioneers it portraysnerds or any other name, Segallers book makes an impressive argument fortheir significance.Copyright 18 Reed Business Information, Inc.Near Fine with Near Fine jacket. Dust jacket price-clipped. Very light wear.starting bid $4.00http//tinyurl.com/n0y4--Don and Meg JerniganThe Ink Company50 Dillingham AvenueShreveport, LA 71106Phone 18-77-15FAX 5-6-517http//www.inkcobooks.com________________________-----------------------------------------------Ahh, the Death of Computer Gaming which has been going on since the early 0s at least. No, the early 0s was the death of the RPG not the industry as a whole. Since you bring it up, lets talk about that for a minute. The early 0s was when the information age, PC Revolution, etc happened. What caused the death of RPGs was that game companies whod been making niche products for a niche industry saw their potential market expand exponentially and tried to go main stream. They failed, of course. Nobody who has been successful in a niche category has ever tried to go mainstream successfully. No music group, no artist, no game maker, no Car maker. Nobody. But that doesnt keep them from trying. And dying. But, the bright side of that was it opened the door for little startups like Bioware to come out with games like Baldurs Gate in the late 0s. But then Bioware made itself irrelevant by making exactly the same mistake. They forgot that you are supposed to dance with the one who brung ya. They abandoned their BG fans and came out with some garbage game toolkit thats supposed to appeal to - I dont know who, wannabe virtual GMs maybe? - and then when that enterprise failed they wrote off the PC game industry entirely and are now chasing a piece of the console game market. At which they will also fail. Greed is not good. Greed is fatal. The really bad thing about greed is that its irresistable to the greedy. And make no mistake, its greed that is killing the once vibrant PC game industry. But thats OK, it will be replaced. EIther by a new PC game industry or by something else entirely. The market is still here and markets get served. What, exactly, on Wall Street leads you to believe that all PC game companies are about to fade into history? I dont find the fact that some companies are going and have gone out of business to be very convincing; we are, after all, in the middle of a recession and some is not quite the same thing as all. Oh, Really? And where is Sierra now? Where is Origin? Where is Interplay? Where is Sirtech? Where is SSI? Where is DO? Where is Id Games? Where is Epic Megagames? Where is Activision? Where is Blizzard? These have all ceased to exist, been bought out at least once, lost key employees (including founders) or all of the above. And thats just a partial list off the top of my head. In fact, I cant think of a single old-time PC game company that still exists in anything but name - and many, not even in name.-----------------------------------------------------------------------14 ComputersThe U.S. computer industry finally went home in 14, turning the spotlight on mom, dad, and the kids, as million of home users were bitten by the computing bug.Industry Highlights.The year saw personal computer vendors build increasingly affordable yet powerful computers based on Intels Pentium chip and equipped with the latest accoutrements for multimedia computing. These machines, aimed squarely at the burgeoning consumer market, accounted for almost 40 percent of all PCs sold in the United States during the year. A flaw that was reported in the Pentium late in 14, however, turned into a public relations nightmare for Intel. The company had discovered the problem - a math error that occurred in rare circumstances - at midyear but had not disclosed it publicly, and in December, IBM suspended sales of all its PCs using the chip. Meanwhile, Apples new Power Macintosh systems, based on the new PowerPC microprocessor jointly developed with IBM and Motorola, got off to a strong start.Along with the expansion of the home computer market came a corresponding boom in the popularity of on-line services. Throughout the year there was a stampede to commercialize the Internet, the huge computer network that was once the exclusive electronic domain of the military and scientists.IBM Rebounds.IBMs tough cost-cutting policies returned the company to solid financial footing after several years of multibillion-dollar losses, layoffs, and declining market share. In a much-anticipated speech to Wall Street analysts in late March, IBM Chairman Louis V. Gerstner, Jr., candidly acknowledged that Big Blue had lagged behind the industrys shift toward PCs and workstations; other companies had undercut IBMs once-popular midrange computer, the AS/400, with cheaper and more powerful desktop machines. IBMs rivals were designing open systems, letting customers mix and match various computers and software programs. Gerstner de-emphasized IBMs bread-and-butter mainframe business and vowed to concentrate on producing open computer products and selling licensing technologies and designs to other computer makers.

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WHAT MAKES AN INVESTMENT MANAGER GOOD OR BAD

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WHAT MAKES AN INVESTMENT MANAGERGOOD OR BAD?I. Introduction What distinguishes the strong investment management organizations from the "also rans" and "only once rans"? Which are likely to be winners in the decade to come? In preparing this lesson, we drew upon the past seminars hosted by DLJ, seminars on managing the investment organization that were sponsored by the Institute of Chartered Analysts, and some literature and notes accumulated over the years. One obvious question is What criteria should be used to make such a distinction? Business performance has not always been synonymous with investment performance. The number of successful businesses among investment organizations is fairly large after this long, glorious period of growth in financial assets. But a list of consistently successful, superior organizations, as nominated by investment professionals, would be fairly short, with many names mentioned repeatedly. We will use client retention and people retention, as well as investment performance over a fairly long period of time, as the major criteria. True, the period of time cannot be all that long, because the business itself as we know it is only a little more than 0 years old. And within that time frame, many organizations have slipped off such a list while a few, re-energized and reborn, have lost and regained a high ranking after experiencing some dark days.

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We are going to approach the subject in two doses, the first section (I-VIII) address some of the broad principles and apparent lessons from the past, and the second section (VIII - XIII) provides a speculative look into the future.II. Characteristics of the Superior Firm First of all, in reviewing our collection on this subject, what emerges is that there is no single model for the outstanding organization. The shapes and sizes vary along with their breadth of business. Some companies are diversified while others remain narrowly focused. Some are still dominated by a single, strong leader, while others exist essentially in partnership form. All place a clear priority on their clients interests. They share deeply held convictions and values. There almost always is a powerful commitment to (1) excellence, () innovation, and () a free flow of ideas, and a correspondingly powerful resistance to bureaucratic obstacles. The great organizations establish and articulate clear goals, beginning with their business mission. Their philosophy is important to themselves and to others, but is not closed or inflexible. They tend to concentrate on what they do best, generally keeping their business simple, although many of these organizations are often on the cutting edge of new products. They focus efforts on being very good at their primary business and at least reasonably good at whatever lines they have diversified into. They reflect a willingness to learn and an urge to tinker, and they pursue good communications with their clients and their own people. The good ones control their growth and subordinate profits to the goal of satisfying their clients while keeping their own people happy. They are selective in choosing their clients and are willing at times to say no to new business. They enable their talented people to flourish by leveraging their skills while fostering and maintaining a creative environment. They maintain a good performance record by continually exercising some form of discipline.III. The Business Mission When we talk about the superior company having an overriding mission, that mission is generally some variation on the idea of providing clients with a superior product or service, being responsive to their needs, and being important to them. The focus is outward to the clients, yet there is never an effort to be all things to all people. Professionalism and high ethical standards are never relaxed. Charley Ellis, who has usually chaired the DLJ seminars, admires the beauty and simplicity of J.P. Morgan's definition of his business goal "To do a first-class business in a first-class way." Most feel that if you have your priorities straight, most other things will fall into place pretty well. That is, if in serving your clients' goals and needs you also provide a stimulating environment and execute your mission with skill and enthusiasm, you are apt to have fun along the way, and should allow room for that. DLJ has always listed "having fun" as one of its corporate objectives, though by no means the uppermost. In the whole process, a satisfactory level of profits is likely to follow. Both Charley Ellis and the renowned advertising executive David Ogilvy like to remind their listeners of what Marvin Bower, the former chairman of McKinsey and Company, used to say "Any service business that gave higher priority to profits than serving clients deserves to fail." Unfortunately, that is a statement that has fallen into frequent disuse during the 10's. Among our materials on the subject of a business mission, we recollect hearing two that were quite memorable. One executive said that his goal was "to keep the prima donnas moving in the same direction by stressing a team approach and preserving a sense of humor." Another said that "my short-term business plan is not to screw up, and my long-term business plan is not to screw up, ever."IV. Performance Few people needed to be reminded, as they were again in 17, that outperforming the market or the S&P 500 is difficult, especially on a long-term basis. We could offer some reasons why beating the index was especially difficult in the 10's and may not be quite so difficult in the next decade; but for whatever reason, it has been hard. One observer noted a year or two ago that over the 0 years of existence of some 71 equity funds, only beat the S&P, and only six did so by 00 basis points or more. In fact one of the finest of the large investment organizations acknowledges that its primary investment objective is to outperform the S&P by 100 to 00 basis points on a consistent basis. That has been its historical record, and it believes that any expectation of doing better than that is unrealistic. A worthwhile goal, the realization of which would be considered a notable achievement, is to outperform the market in seven of every 10 years. The good firms tend not to shoot the lights out in the up markets but rather to preserve capital in down markets. And one reason the 10's has been so difficult is that it has been nothing but an up market. What is clear is that almost no one does better than the market year in and year out. Warren Buffett may be one exception, and many of those who, like him, are investment disciples of Ben Graham's value investing approach have done extremely well. An interesting article a few years ago in the Columbia Business School's quarterly, Hermes, told of how a group of prominent Grahamites -- Buffett, his partner Charlie Munger, the Sequoia Fund, Tweedy Browne, Stan Perlmeter, Walter Schloss, and Pacific Partners -- had decisively outperformed the market over time. However, with the exception of Buffett, each of these investors had experienced some poor years, and as a group (again excluding Buffett) they had underperformed the market 8-4% of the time. One, Pacific Partners, was behind in eight of the 1 years recorded, including one six-year stretch, but nonetheless over the entire period had beaten the average handily. Along the same line, the publication Outstanding Investor Digest, in showing the investment records in recent issues of some standout managers, revealed very impressive total compound return performances, and indicated that superior results did not come about automatically year after year Total Compound Return Manager (years underperformed) Manager S&P 500 Peter Cundill's Value Fund (5 of 14) .0% 11.8% George Michaelis Source Cap (6 of 1) 16. 1. Bill Sams FPA Paramount (5 of 1) 1. 1.0 Michael Price Mutual Series Fund (5 of 15) .6 1.0 Kurt Lindner-Lindner Funds (5 of 7) 18.7 10. V. People Obviously, the essence of a superior firm is outstanding people. Peter Vermilye, chairman of Baring America Asset Management, insists that only 10% of people add value and that mediocrity begets failure because it gets in the way of good ideas. The bottom 0% embody conventional wisdom, which is worthless, and therefore the average people should be weeded out. Certainly, special care must be taken in hiring, but what qualities do you look for? Talented investors are not necessarily brilliant, but they are shrewd and all share an intensity, a passionate interest in investing. Paul Miller of Miller Anderson & Sherrerd, and Art Zeikel, chairman of Merrill Lynch Asset Management, agree that good investors have a keen understanding of history, and can sense the tides and flows of events. They know how the market works and understand what makes stocks go up or down. Paul Miller called the business "the art of making money by investing on the basis of grossly insufficient information." The late Bennett Goodspeed, in his wonderful book The Tao Jones Average, noted that the skilled investor doesn't attempt to make a science out of investing. "He doesn't have the illusion of certainty where there is none and he doesn't try to make fixity out of flux." He knows not to overload information and recognizes that soft data is often more important than hard data. He is also forever aware of the constancy of change. By using his right brain he avoids becoming too logical and falling into the trap described by the late John Maynard Keynes, who said that there is nothing so irrational as applying rational solutions in an irrational world. One recalls Mencken's dictum that for every problem there is a solution that is neat, plausible, and wrong. An individual who is whole-brained is more able to question the obvious and to be irreverent in a healthy way. The famous advertising executive Charlie Brower expressed it well when he said, "the man who spendeth his life gathering folding money for the U.S. Treasury and has no fun is a sounding ass and a tinkling idiot." Peter Vermilye noted that one should be able to determine within a year whether an individual has what it takes or if the fit is wrong. It may take five years for that person to learn how markets react, and five additional years to learn how they react at different times. But if he doesn't have it, time shouldn't be wasted on him. Charley Ellis has said a characteristic error of investment management executives is to waste too much time on their weak people while not spending nearly enough time with their strong ones.VI. Structure Once you have good people on board, then the important consideration is establishing and maintaining an environment that enables them to flourish. The size and composition of an organization should depend in part on the particular investment style. Those with a trading orientation or emphasizing investing in small-capitalization issues have a special need to stay smaller. As Art Zeikel has written, the structure of an organization should depend in part on how you think the markets work. For instance, if you're an efficient-market theorist, that dictates a different structure than otherwise. But Art and virtually all experienced and successful practitioners believe that what is essential is to stay decentralized, to put the decision making and responsibility at the lowest possible level, and to keep the critical parts small. The decision-making process should be lean. The top people should stay involved in the primary business of the company and concentrate much of their effort on leveraging the abilities of their outstanding talents. Administration should be handled by specialized groups so that the maximum amount of the money manager's time should be freed up for the investment process and client communication. It seems to be a truism that good investment people are not usually good managers or administrators. The partnership form of organization -- as opposed to the corporate, which is so traditional in the large banks and insurance companies -- minimizes hierarchy and facilitates interchange and staying close to the client. The best firms have generally been those consisting of a talented group of people who like one another and share an intelligent investment philosophy. They can freely disagree intellectually but always mutually respect and trust one another.VII. The Investment Process Like the organizational structure itself, the investment processes should be designed to facilitate intelligent decision making. The superior firms make an effort to spend more of their time arriving at strategic decisions, and to recognize dominant trends, rather than emphasizing tactical and trading decisions. Performance is determined far more by asset allocation and sector decisions rather than by finding hot stocks. Yet often the best money managers arrive at those sector decisions by bottom-up analysis. Increasingly, some of the leading organizations ignore what economists or market analysts are saying. Warren Buffett says that he doesn't have an opinion about the stock market, the economy, or interest rates. He and other outstanding investors employ valuation criteria and disciplines that help obviate timing market decisions and enable them to fight conventional thinking. They also have the courage and ability to be inactive and not to feel the pressure of making decisions every minute. As Warren Buffett pointed out in one of Berkshire Hathaway's Annual Letters, the greatness of England in the 1th century was attributed by one of its prime ministers to masterly inactivity. As an investor, if you "wait for the right pitch" and buy right, you are in a better position to catch your mistakes early and eventually make sell decisions. Rather than permitting this piece to bog down in excessive detail, we'll put off until the next section reviewing how the good firms preserve their creative vitality and control their growth. At that time, we will also try to survey some of the directions the investment management business seems to be taking. The first part of this lesson discussed the characteristics of the strong investment management firm, concentrating on some broad principles and apparent lessons from the past. We also indicated that in this section we would take a speculative look into the future. But before attempting to do that, we also want to include some remarks on the role of a leader in an investment management organization and the importance of maintaining a creative environment while controlling growth. As was the case with the first half of this lesson, much of what can be said on the subject revolves around truisms but, since simple rules are so often violated, maybe they should be reviewed often.VIII. On Leadership The principles of good leadership can be applied to most endeavors and are virtually universal. In fact, Professors John Clemens and Douglas Mayer, authors of The Classic Touch, written in 187, document their contention that the major ingredients of effective leadership are well covered in our classic literature. The founder or successor/leader of a strong investment organization supplies some of these universal requirements by providing a guiding vision and establishing (or maintaining) a special culture. The good leader infuses his organization with his passion and enthusiasm while establishing high standards for integrity and setting an example of curiosity and daring. And yet along with that high energy and intensity, he also conveys the conviction that he is approachable and is willing and able to listen. One of the better definitions of a leader that we recall in our readings was the one attributed to Field Marshall Montgomery who said "A leader must have an infectious optimism and a determination to persevere in the face of extreme difficulties. A test of a leader is whether you have a feeling of uplift and confidence after leaving a conference or meeting with him." David Ogilvy, the advertising great, said that the leader of a creative organization "must have a strong sense of the unorthodox, symbolize innovation, and be a person who is never petty and never passes the buck. The strong leader doesn't suffer the crippling need to be universally liked, and yet is more nurturing than controlling." At DLJ's annual planning conference, chief executive officer, John Chalsty, noted that he felt that one of his major responsibilities in being the keeper of the DLJ flame was to show that he was caring, and that everyone in the organization mattered to him. One of the lines we liked in Max DePrees's recent book, The Art of Leadership, was that the first responsibility of a leader is "to define reality" while the last is to say "Thank you." IX. The Creative Climate Certainly a major responsibility of an investment firm's leader is to attract and retain outstanding people -- not merely clones of himself but essentially complementary personalities. To be able to hire and keep such talented people, clearly a creative climate must be fostered. While there is no one formula for doing so, management's attitude toward creativity is critical. For example, the leader must allow and encourage creative people to be heard and insure that they are always treated with civility and never exposed to ridicule. While the devil's advocate role is a necessary one in an operation, the leader or anyone else should discourage playing that prematurely -- especially if, as is desired, meetings involving brainstorming are conducted separately from those intended to reach decisions. Meetings, themselves, should be designed to foster interaction and interchange which could be facilitated if they are kept short and involve only a few people who sit or stand close together, desirably around a circular table. The purpose is to generate intensity and encourage constructive interaction. One positive dynamic in a more creative climate is a staff who are not all cast in the same mold. Ideally they would come from diverse backgrounds even though they share the same values so that the creative flare of some could enthuse and spark the imagination of others. The use of outside consultants, and flexible work and vacation schedules help too, but a management "dedication" to innovation and to the free flow of ideas is probably most important of all. The ideal holds the reins and manages -- as a Chinese philosopher once described how a fish should be cooked -- "lightly."X. A Peek at the Future If most of the principles relating to creativity and good management are enduring, then the well-managed investment firms should welcome the opportunities ahead in the next decade. But it is most unlikely to be a decade as glorious for enhancing financial assets as the 10's when institutions' financial assets grew 4% per year. While only in retrospect was it an easy period, those years witnessed an almost unprecedented and unlikely to be repeated celebration of financial assets. We have never had two great decades for stocks back to back. There can be a first time, but if it happens, it would almost have to come about via an upward valuation of multiples rather than because of strong earnings gains. We believe that the recent levels of returns on equity are unsustainable because an important part of the advances in recent years were due to lower corporate tax rates, increased leverage and widespread share repurchase programs. Those are largely one-time events and may even be partially reversed. In addition, we suspect that consumer spending, which comprises about two-thirds of GNP, will grow at a slower rate in the years ahead as the country becomes more savings and investment oriented. The case for an upward move in P/E multiples would seem to rest on lower inflation and lower interest rates, together with a general lengthening of investors' time horizons. We wouldn't be surprised if the payment periods for some of the excesses of the 180's -- the corporate leveraging, the real estate overhang, the thrift debacle and some of the ill-considered mergers -- were to encompass a year or two early in the decade; if that payback is not compressed in time, sporadic bouts of indigestion may recur in a more jagged and erratic fashion. That there will be a more subdued growth of debt and a much less shrinkage in the amount of equity capitalization seems assured. In fact, there may be some expansion in the issuance of shares as equity-linked securities become utilized in corporate reorganizations and restructurings. A number of corporate divestitures and LBOs could return to being publicly held companies as bankers apply their trade accordion style. Except for rescues, takeover activity -- especially of the big, hostile variety or transactions that are financially oriented -- should cool down considerably. Strategic mergers and those involving foreign companies, however, are likely to continue at the same fast pace. From the standpoint of economics, we might assume that European economic growth will be faster in the years to come than it was in the 180's while Japanese expansion will slow somewhat from its recent fast rate. Other Pacific Basin countries may also fall off from their prior torrid rate of growth but still be well above average. World competition will intensify further, and there is some risk of a splintering into trading blocks. We suspect that relative stock price behavior will become more erratic but that essential market leadership will shift from the long supreme consumer group to the industrial, capital goods, technology and energy sectors which have lagged so since 180. We also think that the small capitalization universe may enjoy a few years of relative price superiority after a long stretch of underperformance. In the retirement fund area, the public funds will probably sustain their recent superior growth momentum over corporate pension money where advances will continue to be inhibited by the increasing implementation of defined contribution programs such as 401-Ks and profit sharing plans. The trend toward indexation may slow except in regard to bonds and foreign investing, but the substitution of tilt funds may accelerate at the expense of the plain vanilla index funds. We expect global investing to grow rapidly, partly because it still is at such a low base, but we doubt that real estate will be an especially dynamic area over the next two or three decades. XI. The Meaning What are the implications of some of these trends? First, there will be an effective downward pressure on management fees and continuing pressure on brokerage commissions. Some of the excessive capacity in the brokerage business will be sliced off, but this means a reduction in sell-side research and a tailoring of the brokerage product so that all clients will not receive the same product and service. The trend toward unbundling will continue, and the lines of division between brokers and clients will continue to blur as they come into competition with one another more frequently. Unfortunately, this also means that the relationship becomes more adversarial. We hope that it stops before nothing but dealer markets remain, because we don't think, that anyone would benefit from that. The public, in turn, will not soon revert to direct ownership of equities and will increasingly rely on mutual funds unless the Congress succeeds in implementing an end to the double taxation of dividends. Some generalizations we might draw are that the mutual fund companies -- especially those with a strong distribution and marketing capabilities and multi-funds -- will continue to grow. We suspect that, while boutiques were the rage in the 10's, they won't be in the decade ahead, particularly the single-product shops, unless they record superior performance results or have an unusual niche. The big, multi-products firms that are well managed are positioned to prosper since they have the capital to make the required investments in the new technologies and quantitative techniques. An increased pace of consolidation is likely -- particularly in the form of linkages with foreign investment management firms -- as everyone struggles to enhance their global investment capabilities.XII. An Invitation The advantages that well capitalized and multi-product companies may possess in the investment world of the next decade will fade unless those companies are focused and good at what they do. The major casualties in the scant 0 years the investment business has been in flower have been some of the banks and insurance companies, but most of the weak competitors have been flushed out, and most of those that remain have demonstrated skills that have facilitated their survival and, in a number of cases, strong growth. In fact, performance measurements show many banks achieving well above-average results over 10-, 5- and -year time periods. A number have established superior and even dominant positions in areas involving indexation, quantitative techniques, the sale of hard dollar research and the servicing of high net worth individual investors. Most of the success stories have come from the ranks of insurance companies and banks that have given a separate identity to their investment operations by spinning them off as subsidiaries, establishing them as boutiques and, in some cases, divesting them and retaining only partial interests. There have been instances, too, of massive reforms where formerly large and powerful investment divisions of huge institutions have restructured and essentially reestablished themselves as top-ranked competitors.XIII. What Makes for a Poor Firm? In summing up this brief discussion of the investment management business, we could conclude that the best days of the business are behind, but there will be plenty of good ones ahead. And we cannot think of a business that is more challenging, dynamic and exciting in which to be involved. The decade ahead promises more in the way of incredible change. Rather than listing again the attributes of a superior organization, we might conclude with a description of a badly run firm. It would be one at which • Investment management is a peripheral part of the total operation, • Final decisions are made by non-investment or marketing people, • The management structure would most likely be hierarchical, • Most important investment decisions are made by committee, • There is no clear vision of what the organization is trying to accomplish; goals have not been articulated and communicated effectively to clients and employees so that everyone knows exactly what it is about, • Priorities are twisted so that the company has become oriented inward and has forgotten that it is a service business wherein the client comes first, • The use of disciplines in decision making is lacking, • Managers have failed to attract and retain top-flight people because the climate is not creative, and there is not a pattern of teamwork, • Compensation is not competitive, and inequities have been allowed to build in its compensation and reward systems, • The egos of those who, unfettered, can be destructive, have not been managed properly, • Mediocrity and deadwood have too long been tolerated. To the outside observer, such a firm probably appears as an organization without direction, blowing in the wind, riding with the fads and fashions, which has failed to establish itself as a superior group of professionals. For such a company, there is only the dustbin because the competitive skills of so many others continue to improve.Originally issued as a Donaldson, Lufkin & Jenrette Strategy Commentary on Jan. 6 and Feb. , 10 and written by Eric Miller, Sr. Vice President.

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