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Through My Children's EyesMy marriage was over. I was paralyzed by self-doubt, depression and anger. Then my children reminded me what I was really made of. I was a 4-year-old mother of two and on the road to divorce. It was the summer of 1 and I never saw it coming. It was like one day I had woke up in someone else's nightmare and now it was my reality. After my divorce was final, I began to sink into a depression that caused me to doubt everything I knew about myself. I felt like I had been crushed from every angle humanly possible. I would look into the mirror and all I saw was a broken soul that had forgotten who she was. I could not see myself anymore, I had become a failure and it was my fault that my marriage did not last. I kept asking myself what could I have done? What did I do wrong? Why me? Everything that I did, whether at work or home wasn't good enough in my eyes.
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I began to go out to the bars to drink to hide my pain. I surrounded myself with other people that were drinking for what appeared to be the same thing, to hide what they truly felt and to avoid dealing with the present.It was a habit that was destroying everything around me. My job suffered, my relationship with my friends and family was almost non-existent. This paragraph should have another sentence or two.What made the whole thing completely unbearable was that my former spouse had physical custody of my two beautiful children. My children were my life and what I lived for. Without having them around it gave me the time to dwell in my own self-disgust. I just wanted to feel better and go on with my life without so much pain.Months passed and I barely made it. The joy I felt going to work, playing with my kids, or just living was gone. My anger was starting to grow at this time. I was afraid of the anger I felt at being made a public spectacle; of being a statistic-a divorced mother of two. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. There were so many nights that I couldn't sleep and that I just cried until I was blue in the face and could hardly breath. I would play the song "Will You Remember Me," over and over until I fell asleep. I had ups and downs, hard times and times where I felt okay! I was literally dead, I wasn't living but I was still breathing. On an emotional roller coaster.I had fallen as far as I could, and the hole wasn't getting any smaller. I couldn't see what I had done to myself and how I wasn't doing my kids or myself any good. I blamed myself for everything that had happened to me and I was taking the weight of the world onto my shoulders. The burden was not all mine to bear but I was to far gone to see that. Time passed by me and I couldn't recall a thing. The end of April 000 was approaching rapidly and my life was a mess. This sentence needs to either find another paragraph, or have more put in it.Then one day when my little girl came to me and said, "Mommy, why you cry so much when it is so sunny out?" I took a step back in my mind and tried to come up with a good enough answer to suit her. I then realized that all she really understood was that she was happy when it was sunny out. Children lead such innocent lives. life was so innocent for her. I don't remember my reply to her, but I remember what I felt. What did you feel?? Can you expand on that?I cried for the first time tears of joy. I remember what it was like to be innocent and to not know of what pain the world holds. That was the day that I woke up from my nightmare. I began to take each day one day at a time. My first step was to stop my drinking and confront my demons. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and went two days a week and I joined a church. I needed my soul to heal not just my body. With each week that passed I didn't feel so angry and I did not blame myself as much. I am not saying that I didn't have doubts or that my self-image was any better but I was growing. I was beginning to let go of the pain, beginning to let joy come back into my life. I had stopped drinking one year later and felt like the pieces of my life where starting to come together. I was asked by some close friends of mine to come and work for them. So I decided that it would be a great new start. A new job and new surroundings, it was a start that I really needed at that time. This new job allowed for me to have more time with my children. And my weekends free for church and relaxation.As time passed I grew stronger and the more time I spent with my kids I could see that they had adjusted easily to their new life style. They seemed as though there wasn't a care in the world.They did not understand why my former husband and I were no longer together but they were happy that they received the same amount of love and affection. I remember the twinkle in their eyes when they would see me smile and I would play games with them. I was experiencing true joy again, seeing life through Gala and Jordan's eyes opened my eyes, and allowed for the healing to begin and for my life to start over. I have since begun a new family with my new husband Christopher and we recently had a daughter of our own in March 00. All of my children remind me how wonderful life is. I can't imagine how life would have been had Gala and Jordan not been a part of my life while I was going through my divorce. They made all the difference by reminding me that I had something to live for. They showed me (Unconditional love) love unconditionally and even when I couldn't see how much they needed me. It was evident that I had needed them. They made me feel special, I was their mother and I needed to be there for both of them. This is how I made it back on top and because of my kids I am here today stronger than ever.
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