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I closed my eyes and wondered how it had come to this. Just five months before, I had been a healthy, normal teenage girl with friends that I could trust and a life that I loved. Now I woke up every morning wishing I were anyone but myself. I looked back at my naked body through the mirror and did my normal nightly routine scrutinizing every one of my physical flaws. I saw my mother's wide hips and ugly, bony feet in me. I saw my father's corpulent arms and massive thighs intertwined in my genetics. I had worked so hard the past year to lose the fat I had been condemned for by kids since I first started school. Now I was thirteen years old and at my healthiest. However, it was at my physical healthiest that my mind set was at its unhealthiest. I was so used to dieting that I didn't know how to stop it for fear of gaining the weight back. So I didn't. I kept losing the weight. Now here I am, every night, looking at my skin and bones, wondering how much longer it will take to lose the rest of the fat on my protruding hip bones and spine.I couldn't understand why my mom cried over me, telling me to eat; why people I didn't even know flinched when they saw me; or why every counselor at school had me seeing them more often than ever before, asking if there were problems at home. I wanted everyone to mind their own business. This was about me. This is what I did for myself. Being thin was my award for my hard work. This was my Oscar, my Nobel Peace Prize, my Tony, and I wouldn't let anyone take that away from me. Sure it came with consequences-- all good things do. I was so cold all the time that I had to wear at least three layers of clothing (not that it helped; I didn't realize that the problem was internal). My skin was constantly dry from lack of nutrition and scabby from when I scratched it. Hand lotion didn't help; it only seeped into the scabs and made it hurt more. My hair was falling out rapidly, and I had such thin hair that you could almost see my skull. I couldn't concentrate on anything except food. If I thought about a different subject for more than thirty seconds, I always remembered to congratulate myself. It hurt to sit or lean against anything solid because my bone and the solid object would just pinch my skin. I couldn't rest my back on a chair because my shoulder bones were sticking out too far, but I only found these characteristics intriguing. It's what models had. I felt like a super model. The day I agreed to see a doctor for my problem was the day before Christmas. I didn't understand what any doctor could do for me. The Irish in me made me as stubborn as a bull, and the mere thought of being made to eat had me tense. I went to the doctor on New Year's Eve, not knowing what to expect. I pulled up to a building next to a lake with beautiful rose bushes surrounding the place. I was never colder than I was that day going into the office. The next few months afterwards are more of a blur than a memory. The little that I do remember consists of tears and fighting over foods that ranged from grapes to ice cream. What most people find pleasurable was also my worst fear and I had to experience it day in and day out. It wasn't until after I had been seeing a nutrionist for four months and a therapist for five months that I showed signs of becoming better. I started eating again, and although I still had to follow a food guide made just for myself, my life was starting to look better again.
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I will never be the same with food again. I will always fear that something will make me too fat and sometimes I will not eat. However, the strength in me always overcomes the mental illness of my anorexia. I don't let magazines tell me what I should look like; I don't let the pretty thin girl at school make me feel bad for what I look like. I may not look my healthiest, but I definitely feel my healthiest and that's really all the counts. That is my true Oscar.
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